Starting Over

 There's usually a negative connotation with starting over, but in this case I am very excited. I spent many years as a single mother of 4 kids just navigating life on my own. It is hard to believe that just over 2 years ago, that's where I was. My life today looks nothing like that. 2 years deep into a relationship with my partner, we have purchased a house AND added a puppy to the mix and in just 2 short months, we are due to walk down the aisle and get married. 

After so much time single and on my own, I had grown quite comfortable just staying there. I'm 38 and the majority of my 30's were spent in my solitude. It was less work, less risky, and I did not have to share the TV remote with anyone. That's not to say there was not a lot of stuff that I missed. The thought of having no one to come home to, no one who cared how my day went, no shoulders to cry on, that left a portion of my life feeling like there was something missing. That's why I became doubly determined to live a life that I loved and really put work into finding happiness on my own. That way I could not hear the echo of loneliness calling out to me, especially during the weeks when my kids were at their dad's. 

 

In the last week, I have also made some other big changes. My fiance and I have decided to pursue parenting together. This means that just 7 short days ago, I had my birth control implant removed so we can try to conceive. Though my approach to this is quite different than my partners. He would prefer to just let things happen on their own as life tends to find a way to do. Where as I am testing for ovulation daily so I can be informed and aware when my peak fertility window lies and hopefully ease the process into fruition. Honestly, I have already had 4 children from unplanned pregnancies with zero effort or preparation. Surprise babies, so it is likely I would not have much trouble in this arena. But this time around I am nervous. I am doing better than I ever have in life. 

 

I am successful at work. My life is stable. I have a house, a home, a fenced in backyard and a porch swing in the front. It is an incredible life and yet I am secretly terrified to embark in motherhood all over again. And just as much as it terrifies me, I am equally  thrilled and excited. I have created a baby registry complete with car seat and stroller that also has a compartment for our puppy to ride along! It's just been so long, nearly 10 years since I've been pregnant and done all of this. So much has changed. Hell, my body has changed! 

So I am reminding myself that I have had children in less ideal circumstances, with less than willing partners, with absolute zero stability and I always figured SOMETHING out. So here we go, all in, giving it the good college try, which lets face it, is fun just to practice and work towards. So we shall see how it goes. If the last few years have taught me anything, it's that I will have zero ability to anticipate what these next few years will bring, but this time I feel ready for it.