The Middle

 Channeling every lyric to this song right now as my coping strategy. 

I have never handled break-ups well and even though I saw this one coming a mile away, it still hurts like a bitch. Really though. It's like I saw the train, heading straight for my face and WHAM! And here I am, all boo-hoo. 
I wish I could say it was different than any other. That there was something special about this one that made it different and harder or something, but they are all the same when I look back at them. Once, I was dumped the day before my birthday, that kinda sucked due to the timing and all, plus no one likes to be rejected. 

This time, I am dumped, two days after my birthday. I am not sure if I should laugh or cry at this point, plus it is still really fresh so here we are. I am just about to finish another semester in school, I work full time, and have these 4 kids all doing that whole virtual learning thing, so ya know, life is pretty full as it is. I really don't need the extra drama. 

I noticed a couple months ago. Dude was becoming more distant. We have had an on-off relationship over the past three years (you would think you get numb to getting dumped by the same person repeatedly, NOPE). If history is any indicator, I should have seen this and then avoided it by not giving Dude another chance. Again, NOPE. haha. But really though, I am a hopeless romantic and I always give people the benefit of the doubt. This is largely because I am a trusting person and because I am genuine. I put it all out there for people to see, the good, the bad, the ugly. That way, there are no surprises, what you see is what you get, I come As Is. This is not to say, I don't work on myself, or look within to find my role in things. I do those things so I can better my relationships and improve the person that I am. I want to be able to face the world with my authentic self and be proud of the woman I am. 

I suppose the biggest indicator that things were amiss was on Halloween night, or the day thereafter. On Halloween around 11:30PM, someone tried to enter my home. It sounded like a key sliding into the lock and the door handle jiggling. I did not think much of it. I just figured someone had partied a little too hearty and was lost and confused on their way home. It wasn't until 9 hours later, around 7:30AM (my math isn't off, clocks went back that night...yay Daylight Savings!) when someone again tried to get in, during broad daylight, that I thought something may be wrong. I groggily made my way to the door, but by the time I had gotten there, no one was around. I was so shook up, I called the police. 

I texted Dude about this incident and explained everything. Shaking and feeling nauseous. As a single mom, I felt violated, I felt like I could not protect myself or my children. Our home, which was supposed to be our safe place, no longer felt safe and secure. Dude lives an hour away with his parents (yes he is almost 35...I know) so he could not rush to my side. Plus we are in the middle of a pandemic so his parents don't want him going to other people's houses until things aren't so risky. Plus, his parents don't even know we are dating. (They have never met me, his mom said I am trash because I have 4 kids, judgy much?)  
I KNOW...I KNOW.. I promise, I know. I am laughing with you. And crying. Hindsight, right?? 

So, I was not expecting him to run to my aid. I was not trying to get him to think of solutions for me. I was just venting and needing a good cry, and releasing all of that adrenaline that floods your system when your fight-or-flight instinct gets triggered. In the moment of venting it did not occur to me, but a couple hours later, I was reflecting on our conversation and I realized, he never once asked me how I was. Did not ask how I felt, how I was doing, if I was okay. Nothing. All he did was talk about the new phone his parents were going to buy for him. (GOD, I KNOW) 
So in that moment, I was like WTF. You don't care? What the hell. After that, I confronted him and he was totally like "You're right, I have been very consumed with myself"...yadda, yadda. Fast forward, our texts increasingly become less frequent. The few phone calls we have are initiated by me. His disinterest is glaring. Yet any time I bring it up, yes almost weekly, he cites being busy applying and interviewing for grad school as diverting his focus. I give him credit for that. Sure, it's a lot, it's stressful, how hard that must be. (I'm not going to get into how I work full time, have full time college, 4 kids on my hands AND still found the time to write HIS personal statements for his grad school applications FOR HIM, trust me girl, I KNOW!) Every time we would talk about it, he would reassure me he cared, that he was just busy. We discussed my approaching birthday and I told him all that I wanted was a love letter from him, to feel special to him, to feel important. He said "I can do that". 

Fast forward to this past Thursday, December 10th. At around 12:30PM, I get a text from him:
"Happy birthday beautiful! You've been through a lot this year. Going back to school and working hard to do well. Managing the pandemic. Your kids almost got arrested (it's hyperbole and a story for another time). You almost broke your brand new dryer but then you fixed it. Too many things to mention but you figured them all out. You always do and I admire that about you. Sometimes things feel to heavy but you stand up, plant your feet, and push forward. I'm proud of you and I know you'll continue to push through 35. Today's your busy day but I hope you get to enjoy this beautiful day even for a little bit. I love you. Happy birthday"

That was it. Now, grammatical errors aside, it is an okay text and we exchanged a few more. I got calls from my extended family, celebrated with my kids and best friend. My daughter baked a cake from scratch. It was great. But I did not hear from him again. No call, no follow up texts to ask how my day went. Nothing. Now, before you run to his defense, all of his college applications are in. He is not enrolled in any classes this semester. He does not have a job. He literally, has a shit ton of down time that I envy. Am I out of line for wanting or even expecting him to call me on my birthday. It has been months since he called me without me having first reached out to him. Is that too much to ask? Apparently. 

So the next evening (yesterday), I ask him if he put a letter in the mail. I was hopeful and excited. What will it say? Getting letters in the mail is fun. I don't care who you are or how old you are. It is a past-time that we  should revive. My grandfather wrote letters to my grandmother when he was in the army, that's all they had, and he was not the most literate man. After my grandparents died, we found them. We didn't read them and we preserved their privacy, but how romantic! I wanted a similar keepsake memento of this moment, during the pandemic, when seeing one another is limited, on my birthday. 

His reply "I sent that text". That is LITERALLY the definition of phoning it in folks. Merriam-Webster: To phone it in is to do something with low enthusiasm or effort. While the phrase may sound innocuous enough in an age when telecommuting and conference calls are common, it originates from the notion of someone who can't be bothered to show up when expected."

Urbandictionary: "TOP DEFINITION

phone it in

Perform an act in a perfunctory, uncommitted fashion, as if it didn't matter."

Even the people who recreationaly craft definitions for mind haunting terms like "blue waffle" and "charleston chewing" (don't look them up...really, I warned you), know what phoning it in is. You've got to be kidding me. Really. 

So, here I am... Two days after my birthday, 35 and still putting all my remaining eggs in the loser-guy-basket (not even sure if I want more kids, likely leaning towards no, so the eggs are irrelevant, but you get my point), and for what?! 

I know I am worth so much more. I know what I would say to a girlfriend if she were in my position. And yet, I could not dump him. I wanted him to own his shit. To admit he was kinda shitty to me over the past few months. To admit that I deserved better. To apologize for the fact that he was kind of ridiculously shitty to me for no exact reason. That he took me for granted. That it was wrong. That I deserve so much more and am an amazing woman. But apparently, that's too much to expect. So why am I so surprised? He has always been a liar and a manipulator. He has always had no problem only considering himself and never thinking of the greater good. 

There is absolutely zero reason to think that it would change now. Some leopards never change their spots. I just hope that I can change mine so I don't keep picking these same types of dudes. The ones who blame you for every hiccup. The one's who can't admit when they were wrong. The one's who gaslight you around every bend. (Can you believe this dude tried to convince me that buying a house was not a big deal?! He was talking about buying a house over an hour from where I live and when I asked how he saw us navigating a future together given that circumstance, he said I always make things about myself and that buying a house is not a big deal so I should not get concerned about it, especially since I wouldn't be living there...First off, doesn't the word mortgage mean "Death Bill" and what of the first time home buyers tax credit, it's like a big deal to everyone including the government, wtf!) 

So here we are, processing our feelings...in the middle. This is when I wish I were like a normal person. Normal women, have a glass of wine (or a bottle) and watch sappy movies with their girlfriends and eat pints of ice cream. But as someone who is sober and in recovery, I have to see these feelings through and feel them to the fullest. As someone who also has big feelings, whether they are good or bad, this means right now I am in the middle of the depths of despair. The good news is it won't last forever. The bad news is this is where I am right now and I have to deal with it as there is no way around it. So that's where we are at. How do you handle a break up? How do you stay in your place of badass woman and not second guess everything about yourself? How do you still honor yourself and your pain without slipping too deeply into an abyss of self pity? If you have any ideas of healthy ways to cope please let me know. I have repeatedly put myself through it for this guy so I am more than ready to heal and MOVE the fuck on. Happy Holidays, I hope your holiday season is going better than my own.