Stepping Into The Unknown

 One of the hardest parts about leaving a relationship behind and moving forward is stepping into the unknown. You're moving away from this thing that was familiar. There is a lot of comfort in familiarity, even if the dynamic is not working or is hurtful. As odd as that seems, it's predictable and there is security and safety there. You know what to expect, you feel feelings that are familiar to you, even the unpleasant ones. In that place you are safe even if it is harmful, old patterns of thought and negative self talk is reaffirmed in that place as well. 

Moving through that and past that to leave those dynamics behind are challenging. For me, it feels like I am on a bluff looking out. I all can see around me is the grass and gravel at my feet, but when I look forward, it's nothing but clouds. Is there a safe and secure ground if I start walking forwards? Will I fall and drop to my death? It is unclear, it is uncertain, nothing is promised. It is hard to trust that I will be taken care of. It is hard to move one foot in front of the other to step off and push past the small area of foot space that I can see. 

In my past, I have been faced with many life challenges. There have been many times where I was standing on that bluff, looking forwards, not knowing what lay ahead of me should I step off. Each time, I pressed forwards, I have been fine. Each time I have moved on, sometimes have looked more dignified than others, some were just plain messy. In the core of my being, I'm a clumsy fool. I make messes, sometimes things get broken. But I have survived. Each time, I was taken care of. Safe. At the end of the day, I am okay. 

2020 has brought many challenges that have tested my faith. I'm non-secular. I'm merely speaking about the faith in that I will be okay, the faith in my own resolve, resilience, and endurance. Here we are, just mere days away from 2021 and I have survived. I have lived through one of the hardest years of my life and have come away unscathed. (This means, I have lived through other, harder years and survived those too). It is important that I keep things in perspective. There was once a day when I had no car, I was a mere few days sober fighting every moment to hang onto that sobriety, and I was fighting for custody of my children. I was a mother who did not even have her children. I was fighting myself, moment by moment, just to hang on. 2020 ain't got nothin' on that Sista. Though it has been almost 6 years since I was in that place, I remember the suffering of my soul, I remember moment after agonizing moment. It was fucking hell ya'll. It did not take me out and 2020 isn't gonna catch me either. 

I have been taught to keep things in perspective, things have been worse. I have been taught to trust that things will be okay if I continue to do my part. I have been taught to trust the process, even if an outcome is not promised, even if things turn out in a way I am not hoping for. I have been taught to accept outcomes, even when I don't care for them. I can do that now. I can do that with 2020. I can do that with quarantine. I can do that with this break up. I can do so many things, I can face so much intimidating stuff. I can do hard things. So many hard things. I already have done so many hard things. 

I am excited to move forward. To encounter new experiences. To live through more. l know that I have all the tools I need to face whatever it is that lies within the clouds. I can step forward and I will be okay no matter what. I can show my children that we can run at warp speed towards our fear, sword in hand, and slay those beasts. 

I have to remember all of the good that is around me. I was so focused on recent hardships that I completely neglected that I aced another semester and registered for the last semester of prerequisites that I need; 2 more classes to go and I can apply to the dental hygiene program I have been working hard to prepare for! This is a huge accomplishment. A year ago, I was facing another surprise life twist and adjusting my sails to piece together a plan that I could move forward with. If all goes well, I will be able to apply to the program this spring and begin the 2 year program Fall 2021. This is HUGE. 2 years pass so quickly. I look forward to a time when I can take my kids on a proper vacation. I look forward to driving a car that is not loudly gasping for it's last breaths every time you turn the key in the ignition. I look forward to life stability and the securities those things bring. 

Not gonna lie, it is intimidating to apply to this program. I don't know if I have what it takes. I don't know if I am going to measure up. There is a lot of unknowns floating around and I am trying hard to quiet those voices in my head that doubt me and just continue moving forward so I can accomplish the goals I have been working hard at. There is no better time than now to chase those dreams down. I just turned 35 and would hate to put things off another year or two. I want to start working in a career. I want to finish school (finally!) and I know how quickly 2 years can pass. That whole sobriety court experience I went through, initially I was so devastated to embark on that journey, and before I knew it, those 2 years went by in the blink of an eye. In fact, more time has passed since I graduated that program, than the 2 years the program took to complete! 

So here we are, saying goodbye to so many things. Another year down for the count. Some old relationships are now things of the past. But more importantly, goodbye to the most recent version of myself. Goodbye to the woman I was and all the challenges that she has been held back by. I embrace the coming year, the new experiences and challenges that are sure to come. I embrace the woman I am turning into, day by day. I embrace all that the universe has in store for me, whether I rather enjoy it or not. I know that there is something to learn from every experience and I hope that I can meet this next phase of my life with open arms, an open heart, and an open mind so that I can make the most from these experiences and learn everything I can. 

What are you letting go of to make room for what the universe has in store for you? What are you struggling to let go of? What is a reservation you have about letting go? What is your motivation for pushing forward, driving you to let go? How do you finally release that death grip and let go? Inquiring minds want to know so drop a line and have a Happy New Year!