Breakups Are Hard to Do

 But do them we must. 

It's weird. I am not going through it in the ways I anticipated going through it (emptying Kleenex boxes, puffy eyes, and pints of ice cream). Instead, I am like a pendulum sometimes missing him and thinking about things he told me, plans for the future that will be unrealized and then I start feeling sad. The minute those feelings start kicking in, somewhere deep within me whispers to myself that they were pie crust promises, destined to crumble, never meant to be kept. 

I don't know where this rational side is coming from, but I will fucking take it. I am not so much sad from this. I sometimes shift to angry at him, for being too cowardly to tell me the truth from the get-go. From knowing what he wants and knowing it wasn't me and still leading me on despite that. Most of the time the anger subsides because I recognize that he is a person, broken far deeper than I had anticipated. Looking back, there were so many things that indicated he would never be open to a relationship with me. It's almost one of those classic situations, if you look to his relationship with his mom, it is as if they're dating and as long as that relationship is the way it is, he will never have room for anyone else to fill that void. There were other things about him that I had a hard time coming to terms with too, but I overlooked them for him. Addiction to pornography is something that I have always looked at as a red flag, but he was not even able to be honest with me about his relationship to porn, paying for web-cam girls, and other things he spent hundreds of dollars on related to that, that rattled around in my brain from time to time and I wondered if he would ever be able to discuss it in a healthy place. 

When you look at those things alone, it seems obvious that things just won't work out. Then you look to all of the other pieces connected to this and it's like holy hell lady, you really made an exception, and why? Because of similarities? There are many other guys out there who will pick up on your Family Guy and South Park references, let's be real. Now the Polka Dot Door nightmares and phobia is a bit more unique, but that is not what a healthy and strong relationship is founded on. 

It takes more than those little things. Those are just perks that make you feel connected to someone, but what's more important is a partner who supports you, who acknowledges their shortcomings and works to be a better partner when they fall short, someone who makes you feel important to them. Hell, someone who is not going to mock me if I cry would be nice. I don't need someone to even hug me when I cry or hold my hand when things feel hard, but please don't mock me. (We are working with a really low bar here, you'd think I would have no time finding somebody-HA!) 

For a while I was thinking to myself that he had to be my person because we had all of the little things in common. All these pieces fit that probably would not fit with someone else. I was focused on those little things and completely neglecting the big pieces that did not fit at all. He had no interest in my children, when I would talk about them on the phone (he never asked about them), I could tell he was focused on other things and not really listening to me. When I would talk about the future he would get mad at me. MAD! It was as if thinking about spending any substantial amount of time with me was annoying to him. This left us in a weird place where we could not talk about the future. I could not bring it up, otherwise I was told that I was bringing up bullshit to get upset over and that he could not bother himself to think about those things at this time. He would get defensive and accuse me of being selfish if I asked him where he saw me in his life in 5 years. I was not asking him to move in anytime soon, or even to meet his parents (after 3 years!). I just wanted to know how he saw things unfolding so I knew what kind of expectations to have on the relationship and on him to know were we were at. There is nothing wrong with that and I was shamed to feel like I was in the wrong for wanting to know. It's not like I was fighting or accusatory or fighting when these topics would come up. This should have been a red flag, relationships should be able to talk about these things together so they can work together and grow together. That's real right? People do this? Am I weird for thinking this should be something a couple should be communicating? 

I don't have enough time to list ever moment of emotional abuse or verbal abuse I underwent to appease him. Nor do we need to rehash each time I went above and beyond to cater to his expectations and desires in the relationship. All the while casting my own aside, along with things like standards for mutual respect and kindness and care. 

I am grateful for where I am. I am grateful that I gave this relationship a 3rd chance (God Help Me!) because it really did teach me more than I learned the first couple go rounds. I was shown a side of Dude that he did not show me before, this one more cold, selfish, uncaring, abusive, and dark than I had ever seen or knew existed in him before. It makes it all the more easy to walk away now knowing I was the only genuine one in the relationship. I am grateful that I know that I am stronger and better for it and that I am capable of going into a relationship with an open mind and kind heart. I know how to communicate in a constructive way and be a healthy partner. That is not to say that I don't leave when I am given valid cause to go. I have a hard time making my exit, but I am loyal and I will go above and beyond for a partner and I think that is an important asset to bring to any relationship. 

This leaves me excited for where things can go for me. One day I will experience the kind of love I am looking for. I will meet someone who is emotionally available and is kind and who will care about how I feel. That is kind of awesome and inspiring to think about. As long as I don't again settle for someone else who beats me down, I will be able to find the partner that I want in life. I would rather be alone than with someone who doesn't measure up to that anyway so I am good where I am at today. This last attempt at a relationship with him died a slow death and though it has not been long since we officially broke up, I had detached from him a while ago. 

It's a weird place to be because it is so unexpected. I expected to grieve this loss for a while, but I did know that it was not what I wanted and I knew I deserved better. The thought of him with someone else does not upset me as I thought it would. I know that he will go in to any future relationship the same as he was to me in this one. I don't envy that woman. I wish her the strength to walk away that I lacked for so long. I wish her the self respect to call him out and not settle for less. I am glad that from this I have emerged stronger and a better version of myself. It's reaffirming. I thought I would feel lesser and broken having been rejected, but I have power within me and I know my worth. That's a MFin gift people. So anyone out there reading this, I hope you never loose sight of yourself and that you are strong in your resolve. Bitches, know your worth!