A Window to the Past

When it rains it pours. That’s what they say anyway, so I assume it must be true. Now that I'm opening myself up to new experiences and was considering trying a go at online dating, it seems like guys are a theme popping up left and right. Recently, my ex reached out to me. We did the normal thing that you do when you reconnect with exes and met for coffee to chat, see how they’re doing, catch up, and of course rehash why the relationship didn’t work out. I really suggest doing that last bit, it is GREAT for the self-esteem. (NOT!)

I especially knew it was going to be great when he said “I’m not trying to blame you at all”... This is about where I blacked out. Haha...but seriously. I mean, I know it takes two to tango, but I was at a rather rough patch in my life. Although, I don’t remember most of the relationship as I’ve always had something of a shitty memory, I also wasn’t doing myself any favors by binge drinking on a semi-nightly basis and ingesting copious amounts of THC in any of it’s vintage and modern day forms. However, because he was in the military, I had to keep my illicit drug use under wraps so whenever he was around, I resorted to compensating by drinking even more and dabbling with THC infused oils and edibles, hoping he would never find out...and until recently, he hadn’t.

All in all, it was a beneficial experience for me to take a deeper look at myself and my relationship to substances. One thing I do remember from the breakup (which took place the day before my birthday, which is pretty shitty if you ask me…), was him telling me that I was working myself up to a DUI. I was so resentful that he could muster the audacity to say that to me! However, the following month, to the damn day- I kid you not!, I had acquired my first OUI. For those of you who follow the rules (this blog, probably isn’t for you...not pushing you away, just rather, well, brace yourselves) an OUI is Operating Under the Influence and there virtually is no difference from a DUI in terms of points on a license or obtaining auto-insurance.

In hindsight, it still amazes me that he was able to see what I could not at the time. I was in a funky life transitional space. Having just ended a long term relationship that resulted in the birth of my two eldest children, I moved in with a family friend, suffered the loss of my grandmother -- to whom I was very close growing up, and was trying to navigate single motherhood for the first time ever. I was also revelling in having ended a very controlling and dominating relationship and was exploring what it meant to have a bit of freedom. Admittedly, I spiralled into an abyss of addiction rather quickly and life got really out of control, justifying every move I made in that direction with the fact that life was hard and I ‘deserved’ to indulge. It never occurred to me that normal people had healthy tools for coping!?

It wasn’t until the second alcohol/driving related offense nearly 2 years after the first, an OWVI (Operating While Visibly Impaired), that I even began to consider that I was powerless to substances and might have a problem. Oh, the pain I could have spared myself, had I heeded his ominous prophecy! Life is just like that though, sometimes you have to learn the hard way and no better way than completely tearing yourself down until there’s nothing left so you can rebuild it all from scratch.

Over all though, I have to say I am grateful that I didn’t take his words too seriously that day. Yes, I brought a lot of challenges on myself, but had I not lived through those experiences, I would not be the woman or mother that I am today and that’s really an amazing feat. If you met me today, aside from all the F bombs I drop, you’d probably have no idea of the life I have lived and I am so grateful that I can look back on that life and am able to make the decision everyday, to continue down the path that life has laid out for me, instead of trying to off-road things and charge through the woods with a machete, hell-bent on creating a new path. It is amazing the things that you can accomplish and overcome if you’re doing all the right things in life.

So before I start looking too deeply into my motives behind reconnecting with my ex to begin with, I’m appreciative of the experience because I did some healthy reflecting on what has brought me to the place I am now, which reminds me why I don’t ever want to go back from whence I came.