Without a Doubt

When my 14 year old was 6, I told her the old adage "patience is a virtue", she responded with "patience takes a long time" and that's become the new motto. Other things that take a long time: healing and growth. 

I have spent the majority of my sobriety single. I have 4 children and I had a life to rebuild, part of that included getting back the 50/50 custody of two of those children. It kept me focused on my path for a long while and that's how things remained for most of my 30's. When I observed others around me meeting their life partners and reaching milestones together, I was busy creating a strong foundation.

Now, don't get me wrong, even though I had plenty on my plate, part of me longed for someone to share my time with, my hopes and dreams, and all the love I have in my big ole heart. Around year 4 of sobriety, I met someone and we dated briefly. I had spent 4 years alone and really focused on bettering myself and growing and I did experience a lot of growth and personal change in that time. When the relationship came to an abrupt end, I found myself reflecting on things and really taking stock of the quality of relationship and partnership I had opened myself up to and I was dumbfounded to realize that I was STILL making the same relationship choices that I had in the years leading up to my sobriety. Wasn't I supposed to be fixed by now?? How could this be?

So, I reevaluated things in my life, my priorities, my ideals, what I really wanted and needed from a partner and what I could do without and I came up with a list of several attributes that I committed to not settling on. Did I make this list with the intent to weed out every suitable option thus prolonging my solitude and subsequently proving to myself that my insecurities and doubts about my lovability were in fact true...(debatable). 

Imagine my surprise when I met someone who met all of these qualities and for the first time in my life I have a relationship with someone who feels safe and stable and in all ways that makes me feel amazing. I always thought "when you know, you just know" and trust me, down into the very core of my soul, I know. What I was not prepared for was the amount of insecurities and fears that would be stoked by inviting something so good into my world. It seems counter intuitive. 

Thinking back as far as I can remember, relationships have never felt safe. This is not something I have really even looked at until this relationship. Growing up, my home and family did not feel like a safe place. Love did not come freely and would be rationed out. If you were good, it wasn't a guarantee and if you were less than great, it was withdrawn. It was never presented as if it were an unconditional given. There were those people in my life, like my grandparents where I felt that kind of love. Unfortunately, they died some 10 years ago and with them, I laid to rest those feelings of security. Intimate relationships mirrored the dynamics from my childhood and often included more verbal, emotional, and physical abuse than anyone should have to endure. 

So here I find myself in a new situation. The love that I feel from him is unlike anything I have experienced. He is validating, patient, kind and understanding, encouraging and quite possibly one of the sweetest and best people I have ever known. I trust him and yet part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. How can I be so deserving of something so great? How did I get so lucky. Surely that must mean it will not last and will invariably lead to more heartbreak and hurt? Right? And yet, I believe him when he says he loves me. This is new for me. I never believed before and it's probably because in those situations the actions did not match with the words. Here is a man who's words and actions are aligned. Here is a man who makes me a priority and is happy just being with me. Here is a man who makes his feelings known and talks to me about what is going on or bumbling around in his head. This is all I've ever wanted. Am I a person who ever gets what they want?? I am used to heartbreak and disappointment so when is it coming? 

And here I am, trying to trust that things will work out as they are meant to. I do not want to mar this beautiful thing by tarnishing it with doubt. I don't want to hold it so tightly that it is strangled in my hands. Parts of my mind whisper threats of sad situations, maybe there is someone else his heart is longing for, things like that crop up and can be crippling. And, I know this man, the most honest and vulnerable I have ever met, would not lie to me or deceive me, so why do these thoughts come? They are not fair to him and I cannot voice every one that comes into the fold because it would hurt his heart. I imagine how it would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. How hard it would be for me to feel like I always had to prove myself, not feeling trusted, not feeling like I was adequate or capable of making my partner feel safe and loved, feeling misunderstood and like the other person did not know what was in my heart. 

And the thing is, I do believe him. I do trust him. I just fear that I am going to lose this thing, the greatest thing I have ever known and that is ultimately, the last thing I would ever want, but how can this be an issue without eventuating that anyway? Like some sort of self-sabotage that eventually pushes him so far he is out of reach. All of this leaves me feeling broken and unlovable and incapable of relationships because if I cannot fully let go and lean in to him, there is no one on this earth I would be able to do that with. When I say that I believe he is my person, I have zero doubts in my mind. It is quite odd, this puzzle of my mind. Years of relationships that were so very much less than what I deserved have me twisted in my mind and it says more about myself than it does about him. Do I really doubt that I am lovable? Is it so impossible to believe that another human could see me, really see me, and appreciate all that I am in this As-Is condition? When I can accept that I am, I can adequately accept his love in the way he deserves me to. Until then, I can only continue to love him as the beautiful human he is and work on myself until I can settle my worried mind.