Moving Onward and Upwards

 Ughhhh. That's how I have been feeling quite a bit lately. Work feels overloaded and exhausting so by the time I make it home, it does not feel like I have anything left to do everything else that makes life full and well rounded. This has left me feeling rather depleted and well, rather miserable. 

We are in the midst of the house-purchasing process and it has been anything but smooth sailing. We started this process in the beginning of May and after two months, you'd think it would be over, but here we are still waiting on the close. I have to feel like things don't normally go this way and it is hard to not feel discouraged by the ups and downs of everything. We did everything the *right* way to try to make things go as smoothly as possible. We got the pre-approval in April and began our search hoping that would make things go easily without needing to get the financial piece woven together after finding the unicorn of a place we were looking for and...the best of intentions right? Ha. 

I am not sure where the fault lies, but the whole process has left me feeling stressed and out of sorts. When I got sober my credit score was 410. Laughable right, at that point it may as well have been -410. Since then, I have worked hard to get it where it is now, just nearing the 700 mark, I am so close I can taste it, but my credit history blocked me from being able to get approved for financing. This was not disclosed to us until late May, after we had already put in an offer on the house of our dreams. Why the lag in that information? It is still unclear. 

From there my partner had to go it alone and had turned in every requested document within hours of the requests, but it would be several weeks until we were informed that the initial loan amount he applied for was too high and that we would need more capital up front to lower the loan amount to get things to process. Which we did, again, in a matter of hours. This has delayed our closing date from June 16th, to June 22nd, to June 30th, to July 7th, and now July 14th. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, the process is almost over. It seems that no matter where we have been in the process, the closing date has always loomed out to be just a couple weeks down the road. 

And these poor sweet sellers have also been taken along on the ride. Along with our amended contract, this closing date comes with the caveat that if for some reason we are not able to close on or by the 14th, we will forfeit our earnest money deposit and the door closes on this dream. I am just grateful that they have stuck it out for so long with us, as frustrating as it has been for us, I imagine it has been equally (or more) frustrating for them as well. What further irritates me, is every attempt to contact the loan processor and officer, goes unmet. For days. I understand that instant gratification is not how things generally work in the world, but it seems insane to me that questions and calls get left unanswered for several business days at a time. Holiday weekends have not worked in our favor either, given that this process has taken place over both Memorial weekend and 4th of July weekends, limiting office hours and such, but this just feels ridiculous at this point. 

I am trying to remind myself that this whole thing is out of my hands and that whatever ends up working out, will be just as it is meant to work out. There are a lot of feelings about this and I just want to move forward and it is a relief that the 14th comes with the knowledge that this will either work out to move forward with the house, or it will not and this process will finally come to a close. The impact that the stress of everything has had on my body has been profound, dealing with flare ups of stress induced migraines and ulcers that I would be much more comfortable, contented, and peaceful living without. I just want life to revert back to some form of normalcy. It has not been helpful that because we were given the initial closing date of nearly a month ago, I had started packing trying to get ahead of things to ease with the moving process, so much of my belongings have sat in boxes making my daily living feel much more chaotic, taking me back to times when housing was not secure and my life was spiraling out of control as addiction had taken everything within its grasp. 

I am also coming to terms that the place I have lived for the past 7 years is coming to a close. It has been my stability, my safe haven, the longest time I have resided anywhere aside from my childhood home before finding myself trying to survive in that very dark place that was my life before sobriety. Letting go of that and moving on to this next chapter of my life is both exciting and terrifying. When I moved into the space I am at now, I was just moving out of transitional housing, I had just gotten overnight privileges with my children back, and I was laser focused on rebuilding my life from the rubble that was left from years of my downward spiral. 

Now I am embarking on this next step with my life partner and moving forward in ways I never really imagined were within my reach. It is no small feat. It is a leap of faith, in my partner, in our relationship, and in myself. This process has not been entirely easy to do and making it feel harder still is the feelings of abandonment and betrayal I am wrestling with from the loss of a couple close relationships. During the pandemic I threw myself into friendships and as I noticed those friendships becoming more toxic over time. So I did the hard thing and established boundaries and as a consequence, those relationships were challenged. Friends began talking about me behind my back and to my face would tell me I was a bad friend for one reason or another which caused me to further retreat. It has been both freeing knowing that I am prioritizing things that are healthy for me, but also sad as it means letting go of people that were close to me, who were important to me. Sadder still, they won't be part of my life as I move through some big life milestones. 

Processing all of this with a trusted therapist has been helpful and getting comfortable with my feelings has been a process. There will always be that part of me that does not feel good enough or deserving or worthy, even though in my head, rationally, I know that I am. Wherever you are in your recovery or life, dealing with feelings, hardships, or triumphs, whatever you are feeling, you are not alone.