Full House

 So here we are, living a life we never thought possible. 

I am a home owner. 

I am a wife. 

This is not where I saw myself when I got sober 10 years ago. I had no idea what my future held for me, but I do know that I never saw those two things manifesting at any point. 

Life is constantly showing up and changing in ways I could have never predicted. In these recent months, my eldest two children have come to live with me full time. For the last 186 days they have been with my husband and I. It breaks my heart that this is where things have gotten to for them. To know that their dad has caused so much harm to them that they've taken these very drastic and big steps into the unknown in the pursuit of safety, security, and moving forward... I never would have imagined this is where we would be. 

When I was getting sober, I had to fight for time with them. It took several months before I was able to spend one hour with them, supervised, that I had to pay for and arrive 15 minutes early so they could hide me in the back as if I would assault their dad should our paths crossed. And each week I did it. Rain or shine, I would be there, week after week, bringing their 1.5 year old little sister L, along in her stroller, car-seat, diaper bag, and making sure that I had a craft, or a snack, or an activity for us to do while we had our time together. 

It was all I could do, all he allowed me to do and I'd show up and show them how loved they were. I would have done whatever it took. It did not matter that I did not have a car and I had to make sure we, little L and I, were prepared for the weather, to catch the bus and then walk to the agency where I was treated as if I were a bad mom. It did not matter, that with each passing month, I was increasingly pregnant, my fourth unplanned pregnancy, taking shape within, added to my baggage to carry. I did it for months, as long as I needed to, and would have done it twice as long, if that is what was asked of me to prove that I was not a threat of harm to my children. 

Oh how the tables have turned and while there is some part of me that naturally, feels validated, "See!! This is what I was warning you about all along!", mostly, I am just so sad for the kids and angry that they have to deal with this and that their dad continues to fail them. 6 months of them choosing better for themselves because they know they deserve more, 6 months of them prioritizing themselves, 6 months of as much therapy as they needed to make things work, 6 months for them to continue to grow and for me to show up and provide what they need. 

I am so grateful that I have a partner who is flexible and calm and able to go with the flow. This is not what he signed up for. Being with me, there were kids 1/2 the time and the other half of our time was ours to spend together, uninterrupted. Adjusting to sharing me with them, is no small feat. We lie down to go to bed at night and there is one kid popping in our room after the other to share their deepest secrets, late night burning desires, last minute almost forgotten requirements. Whatever it is, T takes it in stride and rises to every occasion to support them, be there for them, and be a consistent figure in their lives. 

This weekend my 17 y/o, R, shared with us that when T leaves, she would like him to tell her where he is going. It is not enough that we all have an app to track each other's where abouts, she just wants to know when the adult that she looks up to is not going to be int he house anymore. She wants to know when the baton passes over to put her in charge. It was truly endearing because it means when T is home with them, in my absence, she looks to him as the in charge person. They all look to him and he is so good to them. He is patient and kind and goes with the flow. It has been beautiful to see how life has folded around us to embrace us. I am grateful. 

The only downside is what's missing. For the last 11 months we have been trying for a baby of our own, to no avail. All of the tests indicate that everything is as it should be. My ovarian reserve is robust for a woman of my age, presenting with high numbers of a woman in her prime 20's. There's so many mixed emotions that come with this as well. I work with a lot of nurses, many of whom are currently pregnant and one of my co-workers who is older than I am, just found out she was pregnant with a baby even though her husband had a vasectomy a few months ago. My sister will be trying for a baby soon and I am so excited for her to add to her family, I just wish we could both sport our bumps together. 

T has quit smoking and we've both been taking supplements to improve our odds. Him for a boost and health and me for improving egg quality since I'm considered "advanced maternal age". Who would have thought, Little Miss 4 Unplanned Pregnancies, would be finding it hard to put a bun in the oven!? 

I guess the best we can do is keep moving forward, rolling with life as things come and doing everything we can to take each day in stride. Sometimes, I just find it so hard to remain patient.