Giant Leaps and Small Pokes

 Well this year is starting off with a bang! It is important to remind myself that to all of the extremes I see in the world, there is balance all around me. There is so much good to counter the bad, there is comedy and joy to counter sadness. 

Last May, I lost someone close to me. Someone that reached their hand out to pull me up and out of a deep place of darkness when I felt most alone. In that moment, they saved me from so many things. They saved me from the voices in my mind that eat away at my spirit. They saved me from my loneliness and despair. They saved me from myself and my endless desire to isolate and sit in my darkness by shining their light into my shadows and casting out my own personal boogeymen and demons. Last May, they succumbed to their own demons and I was shattered. It was heart breaking...losing someone so important to me, someone I was open, real, and raw with, someone whom I felt safe enough with to let them see me in my ugliness. He was family and I considered him a brother, I would have bet on him every time and gone to bat for him whenever I was called. I always knew losing him would be a possibility and we often spoke of this. When he died, I felt like I had let him down. I couldn't save him. 

Shortly after he died, I learned that his girlfriend was pregnant with his child. This news brought me a bit of joy. I knew how badly he wanted a child with this woman. I knew how important it was to him. When he died, he donated his organs to help save many other lives and knowing that he was leaving another piece of himself behind brought some small shreds of peace. Though, it wouldn't bring him back, it did leave a gift for all who knew and loved him. Just a few days ago, his daughter was born, weeks early, on his birthday. As if to remind all of us not to be sad as we remembered him on that day. It was truly another gift. 

I am sharing this story because I think it is important to remember the gifts. I know for myself, I can get caught up so easily in all that is going wrong, all that brings me sadness, all the darkness around me. It is these moments of joy, these unexpected gifts that doesn't right all the wrongs in the world, but it does do well to remember that all is not lost. There is also joy. 

On Tuesday, I found myself consumed with joy and awe. In Washtenaw county, I am considered part of phase 1A to receive the Covid-19 vaccine and was able to receive my first dose. I drove to my appointment so excited and nervous. I had no idea what to expect and the 17 minute drive felt like it took an eternity. When I arrived, I was pleased to see how streamlined and well everything was set up, not only to keep people safe, but to allow things to flow smoothly. It did not take long to be brought to a table with the nurse who would be administering my dose. Several times, she told me that what I was doing was so important. She thanked me and we made small talk. As I looked around the room, watching other masked individuals either receiving their own vaccines or administering them to others, I was overwhelmed with this feeling of collective goodness. I thought to myself, "This must have been what it felt like in the early rolling out of the Polio vaccine." 

This is history in the making. After months of uncertainty and fear at watching the numbers of both positive cases as well as those who have died as a result of contracting the virus, here we are, at a place where we are able to begin taking a stand against this invisible enemy. Though I felt strongly in favor of getting the vaccine, part of me worried about the what-ifs about getting the shot. As I waited the 15 minutes before leaving the vaccination site, I scrutinized every possible symptom I could imagine. Was my heart rate increasing, was my throat swelling or was it just dry? Was that a headache I felt coming on? (Hypochondriac much?) I slowed my breathing and took a step out of myself. After the 15 minutes, I was cleared to leave and I made my way back to work and the rest of the day went off without a hitch. 

The following morning, I woke up and felt completely fine. No symptoms at all. A co-worker of mine had sent me a text that she was feeling sluggish and achy as if she had the flu. We all knew that those symptoms were a possibility as that's the result of a healthy immune response to the body detecting a foreign invader and responding to it. After 24 hours she was just fine and back to her regular self. Sitting here now, I am grateful that I was able to receive this vaccine. I look forward to more people having access to it and opening up distribution en masse. I look forward to being able to return to a new normal, things like family vacations, travel, interacting with people whom I don't live or work with again. This is just the beginning in the process of moving in that direction and I am so grateful we are finally here. This is just more proof, that in a world (country) as divided as we are, when we stand together, collectively, to come up with a solution, there is no problem that cannot be solved (especially when billions of dollas are being thrown in its direction). Our collective intelligence and skill, as a species, is hella impressive.  

So even though something happened this week that was of the utmost appalling, threatening, and drastic of actions (I am grossly oversimplifying this with these adjectives, because there really are NO WORDS and I am not going to use this time to travel down a political tangent), somewhere in the world there is still so much good. There are beautiful babies being born, bringing joy to mend broken hearts. There is a world beginning to take the steps to counter a deadly virus that has turned our lives upside down. These are only two things that have impacted me, personally, but I know as I look around, there is more good out there for me to see. So what am I going to look at today? Today, I am spending time with the kiddos before our school/work week resumes tomorrow. Today, I am choosing to shine my light on the good. Today, I am honoring the light, inside myself and others. Today, I am moving towards joy and gratitude. Today, I am acknowledging the giant leaps we are taking together to move forward, even if that means sustaining a few small pokes along the way.