Resolutions

 "And you didn't resolve to do better?"

This was a recent question someone asked me on a dating app. My life is an open book and I've made clear my passion for addiction recovery and mental health issues. So dude slides in with his history of past traumas related to his narcissistic mother and alcoholic father. He questions and probes before letting me know he has googled my name, looked me up, and through formed opinions based on information he has found, relentlessly comes at me. (weirdo much?)

I tell him I am sorry that he did not have the parents he deserved as a child, but make clear I have no intentions to argue with him as he repeatedly tells me that addicts use 'addiction is a disease' as a cop out for bad behavior. He reiterates this opinion several times and each time my reply is the same, "okay". I am intent on not falling for the bait. He is entitled to his opinions. It is clear that he doesn't have the experience that I have and I am not going to attack him for his point of view. (Clearly, this is not the same platform that he operates from) 

Then he goes into my childhood, something he knows nothing about. Does he know I grew up in a flop house? Does he know how prevalent addiction has been throughout generations of my family? Of course not. He also does not know the struggles I have endured in life, the perspectives I have, or the work I have done to overcome them. He does not know about child protective visits to my home when I was little, or the lies I told investigators because I was afraid of the consequences of telling the truth. He doesn't know about the abuses that were sustained, taking them for the team to protect my siblings. There is so much that he does not know. I don't go into detail, but I do express that my childhood was less than ideal. Then he asks. 

"And you didn't resolve to do better?"

In a world that seeks to paint things in black and white, it is hard to convey the spectrum of shades of gray that fall between. There is no quick and succinct way to summarize and entire lifetime in a brief textual conversation. I don't even bother. But I am bothered by his words. It is all of the stigmas like these that people just don't understand. People's levels of comprehension are limited by their own exposure and experiences. There is no way he will understand, how can I begin to try? I am not going to change his opinions, I am not going to find some magical way of explaining things that suddenly expands his mind and opens it to fully understanding. 

How I resolved to do better, but found myself on a different path is my story. Of course, growing up with the life I had, I resolved to do better. Who doesn't? But life is not so white and black and it didn't work out that way. I am not a lost cause and I have continued to grow, change, and flourish as a person in this world, a recovering addict, and a mother. It is only because of the directions my life has gone that I am able to say that. I am grateful of my experiences that have built me to be this woman. That means I am grateful, of course, for all of the good things. I am also grateful for all of the darkness I have walked through. I think it is probably weird for people who are not in recovery to fathom that I could be grateful for facing the hell of being an addict in active addiction, but I am SO grateful that I went through that. I am grateful that I was able to face my demons head on, work through things that kept me stuck, and grateful that I was able to move past them. I am grateful that I continue to move forward. 

He criticized the education I have had about addiction when I was pursuing addiction counseling as a career and questioned if I have explored other models of addiction outside of the disease argument. As if the many courses I have taken, did not pose that information (or insinuating that I've been living under a rock and simply missed them, please Sir mansplain them away).

Listening to his narrow focus on addiction and addicts and his opinions about them, didn't make me shrink. It didn't hurt me or phase me. It made me sad for him. Sad that he was so damaged, that there was so much there that he clearly has left unhealed. It further highlights that addiction is not only the addict's problem. It touches everyone in the family unit and requires everyone work to heal themselves from it. Situations like this, in a way make me feel stronger in my resolve. I am grateful that I can bring something better to the table with my children. I am grateful that they did not live their lives watching me struggle. I am grateful I got sober when they were so young, my youngest not yet even conceived. They will not have to march through life carrying these scars. 

I am grateful for forward momentum and growth. I am grateful that I am not baited by such things and instead allow them to propel me further on my path. I am grateful that I can have interactions like these and choose to be a woman of dignity, grace, and integrity. I am grateful that I am able to look to my past and use it to keep me steady and anchor me to all that is good and healthy. Today, I choose to do better and today I have that choice. Today, I am showered with so much gratitude.